My Biggest Makeover Yet: Me

Ok, wait, don’t freak out. I’m not saying I need a makeover because I’m ugly, overweight, a fashion disaster, or completely and utterly broken. This makeover is more like a make-up I think.

Clear as mud, right?

Let me break it down a little bit more as to what I mean.

As you may know, back in September 2014 my ex and I went on a trip to Hawaii (here and here) that I fondly (cough, sarcasm, cough) refer to as the divorce trip. From that point on I began my divorce journey, which to me has been all about figuring out exactly who Megan is and what she wants to give and get out of life.

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It’s been the hardest, most painful part of my life. I literally feel like I have been a walking, bleeding heart at times. You’re welcome for that imagery. Sometimes, it made me physically ill. For some reason it hits me right in the stomach. It hurts, and I can’t eat anything. Thankfully, it has given me the side effect of feeling the skinniest of my life during this point (nice when you feel emotionally broken), but it’s also not good to literally not be able to stomach more than a bite or two of food at meal times.

It all came to a head recently. I felt healed, invigorated, free, and ready to get back out there. So I did. I entered the online dating world (if you have too, I HIGHLY recommend reading Aziz Ansari’ss book Modern Romance {affiliate link}. SO much perspective).

I chatted with a bunch of guys and met up with a few in person: some boring, some entertaining, some dimwits, some who never wanted to meet you in person (obviously those weren’t the ones I met up with), some normal-I really-should-want-to-date-you-but-the-chemistry-isn’t-there, and one extraordinary.

Well, Mr. Extraordinary, was just that, but he was the “right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing”. Mr. Extraordinary knew that and we were done (in the nicest, most kind way ever).

That’s when all the pain of my life descended on to me at once. The pain of every boy who hadn’t liked me back, the pain of falling in love with my best friend at the age of 17 and then completely removing him from my life a decade later, and the pain of my first break-up after my divorce.

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[Sidenote: After some research apparently it’s common to have the world fall apart after your first post-divorce breakup as shown in this article with its followup, plus #6 on this article, with lots of other Google backup out there. Warning, those first two articles are rated PG-13.]

So yes, literally all the pain.

I took a good painful week on top of a painful long holiday weekend (on the irony of Independence Day this year), to let myself feel the pain. I felt it, recognized it, tried to accept it, prayed about it, cried about it, obsessed over it, and made myself understand and feel alone. I was alone.

Yes, I have amazing friends and family, but I was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

That’s when I realized it was okay to be alone.

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I thought I had gotten there, but apparently not. The metaphor I’ve been using is that I had (figurative) broken bones from my marriage/divorce that had healed, but maybe not perfectly straight. I wanted to be okay and perfectly healed, but there was still a limp when I walked on these broken bones.

So I decided to break those old bones again and heal them correctly. Ouch times a million.

It’s not easy, but it’s for the best. I’m not one that likes to draw the hard times out. I like to plow into them headfirst and make it hurt as much as possible so I can get through. I’m ready for the healing. I’m ready to do it all completely. I want to do this right, because that’s the only way to let yourself live.

This point of this post is not to publicly proclaim the ouchie moments of my life over the past yearish (well, maybe it is a little?). It’s to share my struggle with you (you know, in case you’re having a hard time too, please know you aren’t alone) but also the decisions that I am making that may possibly help you through your hard time. Although I am going through a divorce, you may be going through something else that is causing you extreme grief, mourning, and pain. No matter what gets us into these painful situations, we are all dealing with them and trying to overcome them. So this is how I am working to overcome them:

My Soul, Body, and Community Three Step Healing Program

Step One: My Soul

I joined a DivorceCare program (through a church, but it’s not one I attend). This is a nationwide program that is Christian based but is not religion affiliated. It is a 13 week program that you attend two hours every week. You have videos, workbooks, and conversations, all while thinking and healing about your divorce spiritually. I’ve read lots of things about it online and it seems like this would help anyone from the recently separated to the I-got-divorced-10-years-ago. Some people even take it a few times.

I am all about turning to places to help. I loved marriage counseling and it’s something I plan to continue when I meet that someone special. I think it’s so helpful to have that outside opinion. Plus, I think this group will give me a great support system of people who get it. They are my people, so heck yeah, let’s grow together! It starts August 19th, and I wish it started sooner. I am so excited about this it’s kind of amusing.

I expect to learn a lot about just being a better, whole person, so I’ll probably share some of what I learn here later, because that stuff is just helpful for everyone.

Step Two: My Body

I hope this doesn’t come off vain. It’s no secret that I like a healthy, active lifestyle. I’m a vegetarian who likes to exercise. I like how it makes me feel and oh my goodness, there is nothing like running out stress. I’ve shared my at home workouts before, but now I’ve decided to take it to the gym.

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I’ve decided to join a gym for two reasons:

1. More options! I want all the equipment available and places to jump around. I do not have this at my apartment. Nor do I like to jump around a lot since I have people living under me. I’ve also decided to do a 12 week weight lifting program that I’m super excited about! Three weeks in and loving it!! #gettingstrongnow

2. It’s out of the apartment. I need to get out. I love my family and friends but most are long distance or have extremely wonderful, busy lives that make me so happy for them. However, I live in a small town without any single friends. I need to get out. Also, any single friends in Lynchburg? Let’s hang out.

Step Three: My Community

I’ve blah, blah, blahhed about me this entire post. Yes, you have to take the moat out of your own eye before you can help another (or put your oxygen mask on before you help others), but if you just remove your own moat or put on your own oxygen mask, you’re missing an important element.

I think it is extremely easy to become selfish after a divorce. It’s important to do that a little. This really is the time of Megan, a time to fix myself, figure out myself, and live for myself. But I can’t stop thinking of others either. I need to get out and help the community.

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I’ve applied to be a dog walker and cat socializer at the Lynchburg Humane Society. Partly this is selfish because I want a dog SO BADLY. I may just want the company and running buddy, but I want one. I can’t have one at my apartment so instead I will love lots of the dogs and cats without homes (yet).

That’s my first small step, and I hope it isn’t my last. I want to start somewhere, but I also hope to be able to expand this one. I am also thinking about volunteering at the Daily Bread and Habitat for Humanity as well. Any other volunteers suggestions you may have?

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So there it is, all the raw pain of my life and my three step healing program. I hope that perhaps this will help you in some way, if you need it. That’s my reason for sharing. Heck, that’s the reason for this blog. I just want to get out there and perhaps touch peoples’ lives around the world.

So this one is for you. Also, thank you for letting me put this out there because this one’s also for me. This writing and sharing thing is also so very healing for me too.

Sending all my love out to the world.

xoxo

Megan

PS – This is the first of a new thread of dialogue on my blog. If it resonated with you and you feel someone else may find it helpful, please use the share buttons below to help spread the word.